My most fear thing had surfaced. I was quite happy for 4 years because I did not aware of it. Thank you for letting me be air-headed for 4 great years. I would have been thinking differently if I had known earlier.
Dear my fans
9 years ago
Confession
I could have made myself clearly... But I didn't. I was ashamed that I'm that forgetful. It's not like I'm not looking forward. I surely do. But I wasn't really paying attention when it will be. I surely know I'm selfish and coward. But I dunno how to save my face whenever I'm in wrong. Worst, I made other suffer.
So, I cowardly decided to go away from it... Convincing myself I'll never get such thing on my nerve again. My head hurt. The pain that I can never express.
I asked again myself today.. Do I really want this way... My heart said no, my brain said I should bet on it. What kind of sin had I made in the past life? Why would I suffer this way? Everything happens for a reason, I was taught that way. But couldn't I change it for myself? No, I don't dare. I'm that coward anyway. What should I answer tomorrow? Telling the truth? Explaining that I did so to divert the attention? Threatening? Picking on weakness? I know it so long that I did it on purpose to save myself. I dun like to get nagged or scolded.
The reason for to me to forget is that I dearly wish it would be 27th. That's my heart will. Only if that's the case, I can make sure I'll get what I want on my bday. But I also have to think of how to please u. And so I forced myself to b 19th and told myself everything would b fine once time is ripe. Lack of plans but worries.
Do u know that my parents were worried abt it? But dare not force too much to upset me. My sis is trying to cover up for me which might help a bit. But I also know that you two will never get along well.
I never want this way... I just want to reinforced that I will get what I want on my bday. Cos I know very well that I will throw that I idea when I'm with you. I will never able to resist. I'm just mesmerized by you. That's why you have to come. My mind is so messy right now. Hopefully, I will speak my heart tomorrow.
Jealously
From my religion, it is greatest sin. I, myself could feel the bad side of it. I'm already burning inside. No matter how hard I tried to tell myself that it's not gonna affect me so much, it actually eat on me. The mix feeling, I'm angry and sad. Couldn't explain well what's happening. Perhaps, like one saying, if one couldn't explain a thing, one has not truly understand it. So, I dun understand it quite well yet? I'm sure... I'm jealous.
Should I not? At least I shouldn't be possessive. It won't bring any good to anybody. I should lay low... Yeah... Lay low. We are taught to care and share each other in this society, aren't we? I wi treat as I'm sharing with someone who needs it as badly as me. Gorgeous... I want to end all this. I'm certainly not ok and far away from Nirvana....
Getting mature?
Why on earth is this happening to me? Everything happens for a reason, doesn't it? Why can't I able to figure out just some part of the reasons? This is driving me really crazy...
One told me that maturity is all about making decisions. Am I decisive? I only know that I'm a person sacrificial. But this personality hurts my family. They feel painful to see me as such person. What can I do, Mom? I'm born to be this way. You are the person I love most. But I'm already making you suffer. I'm really sorry.
To my greatest granny.
My mom is not someone who would call up her children to complain that she had been alleged. Don't measure with your own ruler! Otherwise, u'll rock in hell
Is this life worthwhile?
I've been through a lot since my last post. It's pretty hard for me to cope with full time work and part time study. I'm trying so hard to be able to survive thru people who have opposite character of mine. I'm always trying to compromise, please everyone and so on. I'm not living to do so, am I?
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