I could have made myself clearly... But I didn't. I was ashamed that I'm that forgetful. It's not like I'm not looking forward. I surely do. But I wasn't really paying attention when it will be. I surely know I'm selfish and coward. But I dunno how to save my face whenever I'm in wrong. Worst, I made other suffer.
So, I cowardly decided to go away from it... Convincing myself I'll never get such thing on my nerve again. My head hurt. The pain that I can never express.
I asked again myself today.. Do I really want this way... My heart said no, my brain said I should bet on it. What kind of sin had I made in the past life? Why would I suffer this way? Everything happens for a reason, I was taught that way. But couldn't I change it for myself? No, I don't dare. I'm that coward anyway. What should I answer tomorrow? Telling the truth? Explaining that I did so to divert the attention? Threatening? Picking on weakness? I know it so long that I did it on purpose to save myself. I dun like to get nagged or scolded.
The reason for to me to forget is that I dearly wish it would be 27th. That's my heart will. Only if that's the case, I can make sure I'll get what I want on my bday. But I also have to think of how to please u. And so I forced myself to b 19th and told myself everything would b fine once time is ripe. Lack of plans but worries.
Do u know that my parents were worried abt it? But dare not force too much to upset me. My sis is trying to cover up for me which might help a bit. But I also know that you two will never get along well.
I never want this way... I just want to reinforced that I will get what I want on my bday. Cos I know very well that I will throw that I idea when I'm with you. I will never able to resist. I'm just mesmerized by you. That's why you have to come. My mind is so messy right now. Hopefully, I will speak my heart tomorrow.
